Ultratart: It's Got Bite

I'm Sure There's a Way to Express This Mathematically

These are the things I think about when I'm supposed to be doing other things: Steve Sanders is the Bruce Patman of 90210, and Chuck Bass is the Bruce Patman of Gossip Girl, but Chuck Bass is not the Steve Sanders of Gossip Girl. How is this possible?

Just Vamp Out

I am usually pretty good at divorcing actors from their past roles, but I can not stand Julie Benz on Dexter (which I am watching on CBS and am not crazy about -- I should just switch over to Showtown and get the swears). She is NEVER not Darla The Vampire to me, and it makes me crazy to see her being such a kind of stressed-out sad-sack. Just vamp out and bite the motherf'ers, Darla. Everything will be fine.

Like a Lady of the Night

I just spent five delicious minutes listening to New York Times' fashion photographer/living legend Bill Cunningham narrate a photo essay about shoes. God bless the internet.

Because of Pirates

When Passions left the air, I had to choose a new soap to watch. I used to watch AMC, because my mom did, so I occasionally check in there to find out how bloated Tad is looking. But I think I've decided to fill my Passions spot with Days and I just realized why: I can't resist a show with a guy who has an eye-patch.

Awesome

I am accidentally watching Lifetime -- no, really, not like those times I've  "accidentally" watched Lifetime, this time my TiVo was recording Frasier as a suggestion while I was watching Top Model, and when I switched to live TV, I just left it there while I noodled with some Fug Madness stuff, I SWEAR -- and in the last fifteen minutes, I've seen SO MANY ads for AWESOME MOVIES, because the Lifetime movie is the stuff of dreams. In one of them, set in the 50s, some dude STOLE HIS OWN BABY from his bride and told her the baby died. I DON'T KNOW WHY! In another, a girl's parents are telling her that her boyfriend BEATS HIS MOTHER! And it appears that he's also SLEEPING WITH HER! His MOTHER, I mean. I need to watch both of these movies! I looooove Lifetime movies. They are always hilarious and involving, as I learned the rainy weekend when I got sucked into like eight hours of: a mini-series about the Menendez brothers; followed by a movie about Robin Scorpio as an anorexic ballerina; and then the AWESOME one where Kellie Martin stabs Tori Spelling with the vegetable peeler her sister left in her car, because WHO DOESN'T PEEL VEGETABLES IN THE CAR? God, Lifetime. I'm so sorry I forgot about you. You're so spectacular. Don't abandon your genius Women In Peril MO for dance-related reality shows entirely, I beg of you.

Overheard In The Five Minutes Before I Called My Colorist

HIM: "What actress do you look like?"

ME: [polite smile]

HIM: "OH! I know! JUNO!"

ME: "Ellen Page?"

HIM: "TOTALLY. Except with more gray hair."

Tannis Anyone?

MICHAEL BAY IS REMAKING ROSEMARY'S BABY.

This is NOT okay with me. I don't get that worked up about remakes and shit, but this is my FAVORITE movie and it is PERFECT.

Fever All Through the Night

So almost as soon as we got home from the last of our book-related shenanigans, it was like my body just GAVE OUT and I got that heinous DeathFlu that everyone else has had at some point over the last several months. I haven't been so sick in....I can't remember how long. There was moaning. There was groaning.  There was one very fevered night where I considered calling my mother at 11pm, just to remind her that I was sick. There was a discussion, the next day, where my mother offered to come get me and bring me home, at which point I almost burst into tears when I reminded her that she didn't have a bed for me right now but that I really miss the dog. There were more tears later in the day when I laid on the sofa and rolled around and cried about how alone I am in the world (bear in mind: at least five people at this point had called and kindly offered to bring me soup. I WANTED SOMEONE IN HOUSE TO STROKE MY HAIR AND MAKE COOING NOISES.). So I was basically miserable and I'm still not totally well, though I only cried once yesterday, while I was watching the UCLA/CAL game and thinking about my own Senior Day, and how it was ELEVEN YEARS AGO and I'm incredibly old and why didn't I realize when I was in college that never again in my life would I be so surrounded by eligible bachelors and why didn't I take better advantage of that instead of mooning over certain selected bachelors who are currently NO WHERE TO BE FOUNNNNNND? WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH. Oh, I also cried because one of my closet doors has come off the track. In short, this flu has made me a little bit emotional.

So I've been a real delight. Heather has been insanely sick too -- we must have caught it on the plane, or something -- so it was a rather contagious week at GFY HQ, as well as a cranky, sobby, messy, slightly smelly one for me personally. I slept for a total of thirteen hours last night (after taking a nap throughout the second half of the UNC/Duke game) and I finally feel sort of normal again. As long as I don't stand up. My theory is that -- in addition to falling prey to a super-contagious flu virus -- my body must have decided that after a start to 2008 in which I was away more than I was home, it was DONE going places and it was TIRED of other people and GUESS WHAT? WE WERE STAYING HOME. PRONE. ON THE SOFA. SPEAKING TO NO ONE. AND DOING NOTHING. OR ELSE!

I just feel like maybe that could have been achieved without a raging irrational fever and the inability to walk. My entire biological ecosystem is so freaking dramatic.