Ultratart: It's Got Bite

Feist-y

Please tell me that I'm not the only person who wants to sing along to Feist's song "I234," "I declare a thumb war."

Reason Number 17 Why I'm Over Ben Stiller

In the ad for The Heartbreak Kid, when his new mother-in-law shows up at his wedding? OH MY GOD YOU GUYS SHE'S FAT!!!!! And he totally panics because OH MY GOD HIS NEW WIFE IS WEARING HER MOTHER'S WEDDING DRESS! SHE'S GOING TO GET FAT TOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

Shut UP, Stiller. Are we supposed to be feel SYMPATHETIC for you that you suffered the terrible injustice of marrying a woman before you realized her mother was overweight? Like, you would have decided not to marry someone based on the weight of one of her parents? It'd be one thing if you learned her mother was a drug lord, or a Nazi, or something, but the entire concept of wringing laughs over the horrrrrrifying prospect that someone you just promised to love in sickness and in health might have a genetic predisposition to weight gain just pisses me off. Like introducing a significant other to your parents isn't already fraught with enough stress, or like people aren't already consumed already over worrying if they're too bald/short/fat/scrawny/smelly/whatever to find love, now we have to worry that our parents ALSO aren't hot enough to measure up? Thank god I sprung fully formed from a Calvin Klein ad -- as, I know, did you -- but damn. It's harsh.

Also, have you noticed that you've played the exact same role in the last four or five movies you've made? If that's how you're going to roll, at least have the decency to bring back Zoolander.

Thank You, Universe

Sometimes, life is good. Like when I turned on my TV and was greeted by THIS:

Swiftly followed by this:

Nice hair, Valentine.

Reasons Why I Love the Start of the New TV Season

"I LOVE the hot sensitive gravedigger!" I just squealed to Carrie.

No Butts

So, there's an anti-smoking ad running in Los Angeles that is totally chapping my hide. Now, let me be very clear: I think smoking is gross. I don't smoke, have never smoked, really am not interested in dating a smoker, and am thrilled that no one can smoke in bars anymore because now my hair doesn't smell. But whatever you smokers want to do in the privacy of your home is your own business, and I say this as someone whose neighbor is always smoking out in the yard, so that the smoke drifts into my apartment. I am not going to tell him he can't smoke in our courtyard, I just go into another room. (And he just had a baby, so I think the smoking is over anyway.)

Which is why this ad makes me crazy. It's about how secondhand smoke from your neighbors is going to kill you. And I just realized last night that this ad is probably designed to make SMOKERS think, "shit, what if I kill that adorable moppet next door with my smoke," but I am here to tell you, Anti-Smoking Council, that it makes us NON-SMOKERS who live next to smokers think, "Shit, now you want me to march next door and tell the guy that the smoke wafting through our shared vents is going to kill me and could he just go on the patch?" Because, look, I am just not going to do that.  I CAN'T CONTROL THE VENTS, YOU GUYS. Telling me that I need to be on the lookout for shit my neighbors are doing that might come through my vents is TOO MUCH PRESSURE. I can only avoid SO MANY carcinogens. I DRAW THE LINE AT THE VENTS.

This is why I need to move to a free-standing house. So I can just worry about carbon monoxide poisoning and gas leaks through my vents rather than the smoking habits of 8 other people.

Dear Yahoo

If my regular Yahoo mail is working fine, and my GFY business mail is working fine....then why are all my UltraTart emails getting bounced? Your email of explanation does not comfort me, as it was ever so vague about moving servers or something. I appreciate your offer to have me call you to talk about it, but I don't want to talk about it, I just want to get the myriad spam/emails from ShopBop, Bloomies, Barneys and Target/password recovery notifications from random message boards that I have sent to that account. This has been going on for like a week. I suspect people are pissed. Please advise.

Love,

Jessica

PS: If you've tried to email me at this address....er, yeah. I didn't get it.

PPS: Also, if I could not get an error message every other time I attempt to log in to my regular account, that would be awesome. Thanks.

Endless Photos

Just a sampling of the 100 photos I took at Fashion Week. Why they're all different sizes is beyond me, but voila nevertheless:

The Chris Benz presentation at the New York Yacht Club. Note the girl in the silver cocktail pajamas on the far left. Heather and I thought she might barf at any moment. Too much free champagne?

Oscar de la Renta's show, where the crowd gave Anna Wintour and Roger Federer a wild round of applause.

The final runway at Oscar de la Renta.

Model in motion at Derek Lam.

A model walking the runway at Philosophy. I love how pensive and quiet she looks.

The front row at Damien Hirst for Levis. Note Vincent Gallo AND Mary-Kate Olsen. Is it wrong that I sort of love the Olsens now?

Model (and jib) at Monique Lhuillier, where we saw so many pretty dresses, many of which I'm sure we'll see come awards season.

I really just loved this yellow dress at Thakoon.

The Manhattan skyline, taken from the top floor of 7 World Trade Center.

Blowing Fashion Week Up With My Love

And we're back from New York! It was really a blast -- I am much happier when they're not in the midst of an ARCTIC BLAST like February -- and although I have literally six blisters and two giant mosquito bites, I had a fantastic time. All the running all over the place in my cutest outfits is a huge difference from my usual life (which involves a lot of sitting in jeans and IMing), though, and I am happy to be home and back to my usual routine, as I always am when I get back from anywhere. I am nothing if not a homebody at heart. Although at home, I am hardly ever photographed sitting behind JC Chasez:

That's me in the green, showing more leg than I thought I was showing, presumably leaning over to say to Heather, "dude, it's JC!"

I was excited to come home to see my friends and family, of course, but also because I have a new toy: a Scooba. It's kind of genius. Sure, it took me twenty minutes to get it to work (I couldn't get the tank to click onto the rest of the thing. So I sat on it. Seriously, then it worked), but now I am mopping the shizz out of my apartment. Turns out a robot is a way more diligent mopper than I am. It's HOOOOORRRRIFYING to see all that crap that's on my kitchen floor and THRILLING to get rid of it all. Because I am a cleaning nerd, it seems. But seriously. What better to draw a girl away from one of the members of NSYNC than a cleaning robot? Now I just need one that will do laundry.