Sex Fantasy Camp III

So, a couple of years ago, when I was working on Tough Enough, we went through a period of time when we moved offices and then were without internet access for three weeks.

We lost our minds.

Seriously.

And I can't imagine how much worse it would be now. I am addicted to the interwebs. How else would I know within moments when Lindsay Lohan crashes her car? But the Great Internet Outage of '02 did bring forth The Best Inappropriate Procrastinatory Game Ever: Fantasy Sex Camp. Since I'm "working from home," by which I mean, "on hiatus," by which I mean, "unemployed," I decided to revisit and revise my list.

The Rules, for those of you unfamiliar:

You have seven days of dream-dates (all of which, of course, end in mind-blowing sex, hence the title of the game, if, of course, you're into that. You can also just cuddle with your date, if you'd rather). You are allowed to choose one celebrity date for each night of the week and one alternate for each night, in case your first choice dream date is, say, arrested or is away on location. The remainder of the rules are as follows:

1) The definition of "celebrity" varies according to the group with whom you're playing. Basically, everyone in the group needs to be able to pick your choices out of a police line-up.

2) No time-traveling. I'd like to date Paul Newman, circa Cat on a Hot Tin Roof, but that's against the rules. Everyone you date, you date right now.

3) It doesn't matter if you and your friends all have George Clooney as your Saturday night. This is bound to happen and it's fair within the rules of the game: having to cross check your schedule with your friends will add a level of difficulty to this game that you don't need. It's hard enough to decide whether So and So is a Tuesday or a Wednesday without having to make an Excel spreadsheet to make sure you're not stepping on your officemate's toes. You'll see.

4) You can't use, say, "the cast of Band of Brothers" as one night. One man or woman per night. Nice try, though.

Monday:

Two Years Ago: First choice: A now almost forgotten Tough Enough contestant. Alternate: Zach Braff

Last Year: Jon Stewart. Alternate: Zach Braff

This Year: Perennial also-ran Braff is off the list entirely, because I can't get over his bad hair, and also because he seems like kind of a pratt. Instead, my first choice for Monday Night Football Date Night is another Pratt: Chris Pratt, who plays Bright Abbott on Everwood. I am madly in love with Bright, so let's pretend that Pratt is JUST LIKE HIM. We are going to have a lot of fun watching football and drinking beer and MAYBE playing quarters or beer pong and then making out. Alternate: The Butterscotch Stallion, whom I suspect ROCKS at beer pong.

Tuesday:

Two Years Ago: First choice: Owen Wilson. Alternate: David Duchovny

Last Year: Kiefer Sutherland gets the nod. And, as back-up: Tom "Gay Man-Bag Holder" Brady.

This Year: Patrick "McDreamy" Dempsey moves into the lead, all wavy locks and soulful eyes. We could spend the night in, eating take-out and watching movies and smelling each other's hair and looking longingly at things. Alternate: The Kief. But swap "smelling each other's hair" with "Kief reads the phonebook aloud."

Wednesday:

Two Years Ago: First choice: Matt Damon. Alternate: Colin Firth

Last Year: Michael Vartan. Alternate: Matt Damon

This Year: I am a bit over El Vartan, although I do still think he is beautiful. I am also over Matt Damon, although I reserve the right to go right back to loving him at any moment, as I did right after both Ocean's II and any film in which he shows his abs. This year, Ralph Fiennes gets the nod, because he's so freaking hot as Voldemort. Who's with me? No, I'm not even with me. I'm going with Ralph for old times' sake. I was, after all, the girl who had a huge shrine to him in her dorm room, and although I don't think I really want to have sex with him anymore, we could totally have a brain-y intellectual dinner. Alternate: Enrique Murciano of Without a Trace, formerly Mr. Molly Sims. He, however, I don't just want to talk to. He is dreeeeamy.

Thursday:

Two Years Ago: First choice: Michael Vartan. Alternate: Scott Speedman [aw. How retro!]

Last Year: Adam Brody. Alternate: Josh Duhamel.

This Year: Totally over the Brody. And Josh Duhamel's association with Fergie grosses me out. So this year, dreamy brain-tumor survivor Mark Ruffalo gets the nod. I lurve him. Alternate: Oh, Vartan. Okay, fine. Although I hear you're totally boring and depressed, you're SO GOOD LOOKING. And there's all that French-speaking. Maybe we can make it work if Dreamy Ruffalo can't make it, but here's hoping it doesn't come to that.

Friday:

Two Years Ago: First choice: Ewan McGregor. Alternate: Jude Law [wow, those were the days.]

Last Year: Ewan. Alternate: Viggo Mortensen.

This year: I love Ewan the way you still love a boy you were wild about in 7^th grade. I will always think of my mad crush on him fondly, but I think we are at different places in our lives now, you know? And my flirtation with Viggo was short-lived, and wholly dependant on leather pants. This year, I have moved possibly bisexual [not that there's anything wrong with yadda yadda], but definitely hot hot hot Jake Gyllenhaal into first place. We are going out and we are getting hammered and then I might grope him inappropriately. And Maggie is not invited. Alternate: smoking hot Justin Theroux.

Saturday:

Two Years Ago: First choice: George Clooney. Alternate: Hugh Grant

Last Year: George Clooney. Alternate: Hugh Grant

This Year: George Clooney is like a Chanel suit. Like Godiva chocolate. Like Veuve Cliquot champagne. A classic. And even though he's getting older and my boiling flames of lust for him have been somewhat dampened by time, there is no one better in the Celeb-o-sphere for a Saturday night of rare steak, cold martinis, and dancing. George Clooney in a tux is a classic Saturday night date, and how could I deny myself that joy? There is no substitute. Alternate: Oh, fine, Hugh, you squeaked by merely because I am lazy and I also watched like four movies featuring you this weekend and they all reminded me how cute you are. And why mess with my Saturday?

Sunday:

Two Years Ago: First choice: Ron Livingston. Alternate: Jon Stewart

Last Year: Ron Livingston. Alternate: Justin Timberlake.

This Year: JT? Really? Okay. I mean, he can dance and all, but I think I am going back to Ron Livingston as a starter and the adorable and hilarious but incredibly wee Jon Stewart as back-up. I LOVE Jon Stewart, but I'm keeping him on the bench until he hires a woman for his writing staff. I know you know your staff is full of white men, Jon, and it was charming the first time you joked about it at the Emmys, but I really think you could have probably hired ONE GIRL over the last 365 days. Seriously. And it PAINS ME to even write this because I think you are SO F'ING FUNNY and awesome. However, even if your staff was full of women, it would be hard for you to surpass El Livingston, as I adore him.

And with that,

I think we've finally discovered at last that I do not, in fact, prefer blonds. And now it's your turn: get procrastinating! It's fun! It's self-involved! It's a little dirty! It's a great game for kids! Okay, maybe not that last bit.

Comments

[Kim]

Yes, sex camp is back! Woo-hoo! And I love, love, love Bright to pieces. He makes me squee with delight. When Everwood was first on, I used to loooove Ephram. But then his hair grew - and kept growing and for God sakes, make the kid cut his hair b/c he is so uncute anymore. Bright is awesome. And funny. And sweet. *sigh*

[jen]

Monday: Brendan Fraser
Tuesday: Tobey Maguire (no, YOU shut up!)
Wednesday: Luke Wilson
Thursday: George Weasley
Friday: Paul Rudd
Saturday: Peter Krause
Sunday: Harrison Ford, I guess, is that wrong? I mean, PAUL NEWMAN would be wrong, but Harrison's still borderline, yes?

[jen]

PS It would be weird to date Harrison Ford because you couldn't call him "Harrison Ford" which is the only way his name sounds right. I mean, "I love you, Harrison!"? No. What was his mother thinking? May as well name your boy "Cleveland."

[Cori]

According to the Samantha Bee's interview in BUST, there is now a woman writer on the staff. Oh, wee Jon Stewart, how I love you...

[The Boss]

Ron Livingston? I sure hope that's some other Ron Livingston than the actor from Sex etc. I mean seriously--I have this theory about certain actresses that their prettiness is so bland that the longer you look at them, they kind of disappear. The list is long, but Kate Hudson tops the current one. Anyway that's Ron Livingston as a man. Bleah.

As a corollary I have a theory that there are, for some reason, a lot of Ron Livingston types at the margins of actordom these days, which annoys me no end. I was in a restaurant a couple months ago and some guy who looked like Ron L. was getting much better service than us. "We're regulars, why are they treating that Ron Livingston type better than us?" I complained to my wife. "Honey," she hissed, "THAT IS RON LIVINGSTON."

[Jessica]

No, Boss. I LOVE him. Have you not seen Office Space? He is SO cute and funny in it. Also, in Band of Brothers.

I pretend he wasn't on SatC, because his character was such a manchild.

[mrhooks]

MONDAY: Jennifer Connelly. Gotta give it up for older women (even though she's not that much older than I).
Alternate: Marcia Cross. I can't help it - Krazy Kimberly will always have a place in my heart.
TUESDAY: Jenny Mollen (aka Nina Ash from Angel). We could cuddle on the sofa, and she could say naughty things to me in German.
Alternate: Caroline Dhavernas. Those eyes! Change German to French. I totally have a thing for accents and foreign languages.
WEDNESDAY: Josie Maran. She's just hot, and an admitted sex maniac. Perfect for Hump Day.
Alternate: Laura Harris. I just recently started watching Dead Like Me. Me Like.
THURSDAY: Katherine Heigl. Because Hump Day needs to be longer.
Alternate: Maria Menounos. As long as she keeps her mouth shut. No, wait. As long as she doesn't say anything.
FRIDAY: Kelly Monaco. We could go salsa dancing, then admit we really don't know what we're doing and just grope and grind each other on the dance floor.
Alternate: Laetitia Casta. I don't know if she can dance, but who cares?
SATURDAY: Emily VanCamp. I love her so much, she is just amazing. Since it's Saturday, I could spend the entire day with her, like go up to Santa Barbara, or do something for her like spend the entire day preparing an amazing dinner.
Alternate: No one could ever take EVC's place.
SUNDAY: Rachel Nichols. She seems smart, what with the Ivy League education and all, so she'd be someone nice to talk to / gaze at longingly on a relaxing Sunday. That is, until the mind-blowing sex starts.
Alternate: Michelle Williams, though not right away, seeing as how she just had a kid and all.

[kt]

alternates too? too much energy. i'm just going for the first string. also, can i just say i am *stunned* to see no appearance of r.c. in your lineup any time in the last 3 years. did his whole (brief) moment of white hot hotness pre-date fantasy sex camp or something?

monday: josh duhamel - fergie or no, the man is still damn good looking.

tuesday: colin firth - he brings the white shirt, i bring a spray bottle full of water.

wednesday: david beckham - no explanation required.

thursday: eric bana - he's got the whole r.c. soulful manly man thing. without all the phone throwing.

friday: george clooney - oh why not, for old time's sake.

saturday: man, it's hard to think of seven hot celebs. i think i might be coming down with something. ad-rock?

sunday: i give up.

[jessica]

Katherine, that's shameful! What happened to the days when we spent hours trying to decide if we'd let Ralph Fiennes murder us after one hot date?

Eric Bana is a good one. I might swap him in there somewhere.

Admittedly, the first sex camp seriously took weeks to perfect the list. I'm old and lazy now.

[pseudonym to hide from wife]

Monday: Alyson Hannigan, as I've had a crush on her since the moment I watched my first "Buffy." Plus, she seems really funny and sweet, and I'll try not to mention that I don't really like "How I Met Your Mother."
Alternate: Natalie Portman

Tuesday: Agreeing with mrhooks, Caroline Dhavernas. The other reason (besides the funny writing) to be sad that "Wonderfalls" died.
Alternate: Charlize Theron

Wednesday: Alessandra Ambrosio, who is really too bony and model-y for my tastes, but still somehow manages to be ridiculously hot.
Alternate: Josie Maran

Thursday: Michelle Trachtenberg, who is way too young for me to ever admit my attraction for her under my own name. She sure done grow up purty, though.
Alternate: Keira Knightley

Friday: Kate Winslet, because she is curvy and sexy and seems admirably content with not being Hollywood thin. If only she didn't smoke.
Alternate: Angelina Jolie

Saturday: Naomi Watts, who, with the hipless frame and the unsavory Nicole Kidman friendship must be considered another guilty pleasure, but damn, she is just beautiful.
Alternate: Cate Blanchett

Sunday: Kristen Bell, another entry under "too skinny but ridiculously pretty." She certainly comes across as super-sweet in her interviews, too.
Alternate: Zhang Ziyi

[hsw]

Was that "Cast of Band of Brothers" meant for me? If so, that's rude. AND UNFAIR. HOW DO YOU CHOOSE?

[Jessica]

NO, silly, I wrote that two years ago, before you'd even SEEN IT.

[kt]

i know...i definitely feel like i've let our younger selves down. i think i was just tired b/c i left off peter krause. and christian bale who never did a thing for me until he put on that bat suit.