Ultratart: It's Got Bite

Dear Quicken

If you could explain to me why I CAN NOT get the checking account balance I have DOWNLOADED FROM MY BANK to match up with the ACTUAL BALANCE THE BANK KNOWS I HAVE, I would LOVE THAT.

Thanks so much!

Love,

Jessica

I May Have Mentioned This Before...

...but I can't remember. I think I have. But that's just too bad, you'll have to hear it again. Cecily was talking about only children and imaginary friends, which reminded me of this. Because my sister and I are so far apart in age, we're sort of like BOTH only children, in a way. And I was the only child, grandchild AND great-grandchild on both sides for 14 years. So I don't have a problem being the center of attention and I demand lots of fussing over me on my birthdays, is what I am saying. I also think this is one of the reasons I am so good at keeping myself entertained. I am hardly ever actually bored. HowEVER, I was also entertained in my youth by two imaginary friends. Well, not exactly. One was my imaginary younger brother, Miltie. Miltie was a pain in the neck. But not as big a pain in the neck as my imaginary husband, Ben Mountain. Ben Mountain was a total layabout. He was unemployed. He laid on the sofa all day while I did all the work. Bear in mind that I was like four at the time I thought this up. My Dad was not then, nor never has been, a layabout. I have no idea where I came up with this scenario but in retrospect, I have no idea how the adults in my life managed to suppress their giggling about this in my prescence. But I do appreciate that in retrospect.

Ah, Ben Mountain. He WAS charming, as I recall. I wonder what he's up to now...

The Internet Is Magic

So, Jen and I got to talking today about the Young Author's Club, which we were both in during elementary school. I was telling her about how my poetry book got all the way to the finals in 5th grade, but was beaten by a classmate of mine in the end, and that she was tragically killed a few years later, after I'd moved away. So I got to poking around on the internet -- don't even ask me why -- and it turns out, rumors of her death were greatly exaggerated. She is totally alive (her name was -- um, and remains -- very unusual, and Jen did some fancy PI-work to double check her info), and actually very successful. I can't even believe it. I can't remember who told us she was dead, but it was a totally reliable source, so I have NO IDEA how the story turned so dramatic. Needless to say, I'm pretty stoked that her story didn't take such a tragic turn. Twenty years ago, I never would have discovered this unless I'd run into her at the market.

I'm Sure There's a Way to Express This Mathematically

These are the things I think about when I'm supposed to be doing other things: Steve Sanders is the Bruce Patman of 90210, and Chuck Bass is the Bruce Patman of Gossip Girl, but Chuck Bass is not the Steve Sanders of Gossip Girl. How is this possible?

Just Vamp Out

I am usually pretty good at divorcing actors from their past roles, but I can not stand Julie Benz on Dexter (which I am watching on CBS and am not crazy about -- I should just switch over to Showtown and get the swears). She is NEVER not Darla The Vampire to me, and it makes me crazy to see her being such a kind of stressed-out sad-sack. Just vamp out and bite the motherf'ers, Darla. Everything will be fine.

Like a Lady of the Night

I just spent five delicious minutes listening to New York Times' fashion photographer/living legend Bill Cunningham narrate a photo essay about shoes. God bless the internet.

Because of Pirates

When Passions left the air, I had to choose a new soap to watch. I used to watch AMC, because my mom did, so I occasionally check in there to find out how bloated Tad is looking. But I think I've decided to fill my Passions spot with Days and I just realized why: I can't resist a show with a guy who has an eye-patch.

Awesome

I am accidentally watching Lifetime -- no, really, not like those times I've  "accidentally" watched Lifetime, this time my TiVo was recording Frasier as a suggestion while I was watching Top Model, and when I switched to live TV, I just left it there while I noodled with some Fug Madness stuff, I SWEAR -- and in the last fifteen minutes, I've seen SO MANY ads for AWESOME MOVIES, because the Lifetime movie is the stuff of dreams. In one of them, set in the 50s, some dude STOLE HIS OWN BABY from his bride and told her the baby died. I DON'T KNOW WHY! In another, a girl's parents are telling her that her boyfriend BEATS HIS MOTHER! And it appears that he's also SLEEPING WITH HER! His MOTHER, I mean. I need to watch both of these movies! I looooove Lifetime movies. They are always hilarious and involving, as I learned the rainy weekend when I got sucked into like eight hours of: a mini-series about the Menendez brothers; followed by a movie about Robin Scorpio as an anorexic ballerina; and then the AWESOME one where Kellie Martin stabs Tori Spelling with the vegetable peeler her sister left in her car, because WHO DOESN'T PEEL VEGETABLES IN THE CAR? God, Lifetime. I'm so sorry I forgot about you. You're so spectacular. Don't abandon your genius Women In Peril MO for dance-related reality shows entirely, I beg of you.

Overheard In The Five Minutes Before I Called My Colorist

HIM: "What actress do you look like?"

ME: [polite smile]

HIM: "OH! I know! JUNO!"

ME: "Ellen Page?"

HIM: "TOTALLY. Except with more gray hair."

Tannis Anyone?

MICHAEL BAY IS REMAKING ROSEMARY'S BABY.

This is NOT okay with me. I don't get that worked up about remakes and shit, but this is my FAVORITE movie and it is PERFECT.